I'm alright
by Vauseman.TayLaur
Summary: AU: Fic based on songs, Alex left Piper and she's lost, searching for anything to help her exist without her. She's an emotional chaos and gets involved with drugs and other things. Horrible summary, I know. M for language, adult situations, drug abuse. Chapter 2 now up. Alex's side of the coin.
1. I'm alright

_Hey, good night guys, uhm, this is something I wrote today and I felt like sharing with you. I hate the term 'Songfic' but it is really what this kinda is._

 _Bold italics are lyrics, italics are thoughts._

 _Please, enjoy._

* * *

 _ **Looking for drugs in all the wrong places,  
wanted to be famous but ended up nameless.  
Love is not the answer, I'm in love with this stuff.  
I spent every last dime in a stranger's trunk.**_

Piper Chapman finds herself rummaging through her bedroom, trying to find the last of the money she saved from her previous _job._ She needs it to _try_ to numb the pain she's feeling, to buy herself yet another joint, or beer, or heroin… anything and everything to help her through the night. A desperate feeling in her gut, she can feel the _itch,_ the despair for another _dose_ of her most _toxic_ drug.

 _Alex Vause._

But this will most likely never happen again. She _has_ to quit cold turkey, because Alex Vause will never again give her another taste of her sweet poison. She fucked up really good this time, and she was sure Alex could never forgive her. It's been one month since she last saw Alex, since they last talked, and to be honest, Piper felt like dying, quite literally, because ever since they've broken up, she has done anything but sleep, go out, get drunk beyond this world, doped, scream at random people, barely eat, pass out on the streets, and of course… _work._

And by work she meant having sex for money, because there's nothing else she could have done, besides she wasn't in any mood to work on anything else. Having sex was the easiest thing, at least for her, because every damn time that happened she would just block out the entire world and take refuge in her own. A world created by nothing more but _memories_ and useless _delusions._ Of herself and Alex.

Together.

In her – **their** \- perfect world.

She comes back to reality after finally finding her last savings. She hastily puts on her coat and speeds out of her flat. Practically running to that specific _spot_ nearly out of town, where she knows all the right _connections_ to anything she desired.

After a good half-hour walk, she arrives to her destination, palms and forehead sweaty.

"Hey, Brad" Piper says a little out of breath.

"Piper" the tall guy with blonde hair, smiling with crooked teeth.

"What can I offer you on this fine night ma'am" He asks her, still smiling an empty smile that does not reach his blood shot eyes.

"Snowflake, my friend" Piper says emotionless.

"Ooh, planning to fly high?" Brad jokes, but Piper's just annoyed.

"Yeah, well, you know me. Just give it already!" The blonde woman says as she hands him the money.

"Well, okay, missy, here ya' go" He says as he hands her the magic powder.

"Thanks, see ya' soon, Brad" Piper tells him just as she starts turning around and heading to the nearest club. She already has the perfect place to _snort it._

She gets to the side of the building that is the club and goes to the back, where she's so familiar with the kids hanging out there. Most of them are teenagers, but she gets along pretty well with them, she's barely older than them. Just 22 years old. The alley is dimly-lit and smells strongly of booze and sex. But she doesn't care, because she will not stay for long anyway.

She sits down beside a flimsy girl with really short hair that she acknowledges as Poussey and her friends.

"Yo, Taylor Swift, how you doing?" she asks, and she seems genuinely happy, but there's always something in her eyes that tells everyone she's not. (Aside from the fact that she's always drunk and doped, of course.)

"Hey!" Piper smiles timidly and stays with them for a little while, half hearing their conversation, her mind wandering to the _stuff_ she has on her left pocket. So without hesitation, she takes it out, and everyone starts to whistle and scream, but she just calmly says:

"Nope, this is _personal,_ sorry" and proceeds to roll up a bill and form those straight white lines, just to make them disappear a second later, submitting to the substance that first got her there. She feels alone.

She starts feeling that _euphoria_ and that sensation that she could run for miles and no one would catch up with her, she starts to feel hyperactive and just stands up and runs to the club, where she would have fun.

She enters and goes straight to the bar, orders a beer and empties it in a matter of seconds, dancing her way to the dancefloor, where she feels like she has all the power in this world, the sounds and colors magnified.

But just as she's feeling fine, her _clearer mind_ takes her again to the main reason she's doped. Alex. And she feels like she wants to cry and kill somebody, she starts to feel a burning sensation deep in her chest, where her heart should be. _"If Alex wouldn't have taken it with her"_ she thinks and lets a wave of sadness roam through every fiber of her body, right before she scolds herself internally and tries to be _fine. Without her. "Fuck her, I don't need her, I don't need love."_

Lies.

 _ **It's all right. It's okay.  
I'm alright. I'll be okay.  
**_

She enters the bathroom, seeking for something to make her _forget._ About Alex, about her _job,_ her life, fuck, about the world. And surely she finds it.

Near the last stall there's a small girl that looks so intoxicated that she may pass out any second, and Piper boldly walks towards her and just crashes her lips with the girl's, kissing her fiercely. The teenager is shocked at first but returns the kiss almost immediately, just as _passionately_ as she could.

Piper pushes her to the wall and ravages her body, wildly taking her right there, without a care in the world. The girl just lets her. And just as fast as it started, it ends.

Piper walks out of the bathroom, pleased with herself, and frantic to get another high. Whichever kind, just feel whatever and anything at the same time. Just something to _fill_ her void. But as the night progresses, she realizes that's impossible, she feels good, but she knows what's ahead of her. Never quite enough to feel right. And her body has become _more tolerant_ with all the illegal substances.

She still feels alone.

 _ **First time I felt like I was gonna die,  
but I've gotten pretty good at telling myself it's fine.  
Anna talks me down and gives me sips of her beer,  
head pounding reveille, how did I get here?  
**_

She keeps flirting with everyone in the bar and the dancefloor, guys and girls, kissing them, making out, whispering sweet nothings and shallow promises of new encounters she was sure would never happen. Until she recognizes Poussey and her friends dancing a few feet away from her, so she goes to them and blends in without a single word.

They all continue to dance, smoke and drink like there is no tomorrow and Piper wonders how are they even friends if they seem to not care about the others, because, -she thinks- that when you care about someone, you don't let them do all this things to fuck up their lives for good, but they all do the same things and no one says a thing and Piper starts to feel sick.

She lies to herself, but she feels alone _and_ empty.

 _ **It's all right. I'll be okay.  
Let it go, let it go all the way down 'til there's nowhere left to fall.  
It's a shame, all the ways we build ourselves up just to let each other down.  
**_

She rushes out of the club, without turning around when she hears her name. She wanders the streets, looking for something. _Someone._ But she's not here. " _And even if she was…"_ Piper cannot bring herself to finish that thought because she fears she will break down right there. So she does the only thing that makes sense to her. Being around 6 am, her ride to paradise was almost reaching its end and Piper wasn't sure how she got there, but before her brain could register anything, Brad was smiling at her _again._

 _ **Looking for drugs in all the wrong places,  
felt a change coming but I couldn't face it.  
I tried to keep my cool when I finally made it home,  
I had a blood shot excuse for every lie I told.**_

"Dear, what's it gonna be? Brad says, looking _really_ fucked up, while a girl was on her knees giving him a blow job.

Piper doesn't even care about the scene in front of her and desperately asks him:

"If I help that girl would you give me a decent blunt?" Not a single fuck is given.

"Only if you're good at it, blondie" he says viciously.

 _ **It's all right. It's okay. I'm alright. I'll be okay.  
Let it go, let it go all the way down 'til there's nowhere left to fall.  
It's a shame, all the ways we build ourselves up just to let each other down.**_

So she kneels down. Shuts her eyes closed and just gets done with it. Feeling his dick raping every inch of her mouth. The taste makes her sick and she wants to throw up, but she remembers the price ahead of this and just _resists._

Pearly, hot, salty liquid is released all the way up to her throat and she has two choices. But she knows that she has to swallow the thing to have her price. So she does, trying not to retch. Almost failing.

"Shit, blondie… that was good!" Brad says smugly and rummages through his car to look for the blunt he promised Piper.

"Here you go" He says as he gives it to her.  
"When will the next time be?" Brad asks her happily but Piper's already walking home, giving him the finger, not turning around to look at the man.

* * *

She's in a haze, fog clogging her mind, dazed, blinded by the groundswell of emotions rushing through her freely. She makes it home, and finally allows herself to feel the pain. The despair growing inside her like a million ghosts, always inside.

So she lets herself remember the good and the bad things she had with Alex by her side. Wishing to look again at that pair of emerald eyes. Those were the most beautiful eyes she has ever laid eyes on. And she knows that she's not longer capable of loving anyone. She doesn't even have a soul anymore because she gave it to the love of her life. And all she can think about now is everything that Alex is.

 _ **Last night is all a blur to me,  
I don't remember anything,  
but I vaguely recall being alone.**_

A few hours later, the sky was getting dark again. Piper slept all day. _As always._ And as soon as she opens her eyes, the images of the green orbs invade her mind. Every single bit of it. And she can't help it, but there's something about this particular time.

She doesn't feel too sad about it. And her heart stops for a moment, just to start beating faster and louder.

" _I feel like I'm gonna' see her"_ she hopefully thinks. Getting excited and nervous and sad and everything at the same time. Because she wouldn't know how to react if she indeed watched the tall, hot, raven-haired girl. She thinks she'll die right there and then. But again, she mentally kicks herself for thinking that. She's not gonna' see her. Maybe she's just paranoid from all the drugs she had consumed. But she just wants so bad to be able to at least _see her_.

Because no matter how many nights and days had gone by, she can't stop loving Alex with all her heart. She aches for her every second of every day, and as much as she hates to admit it, the drugs, the girls, the boys, the music, the experiences, none of them could ever replace her. Not a single bit of her. No matter what she does, there's always this complete emptiness inside of her. Like all of the light she was made of was now nothing but shades and dark ghosts.

 _She is lost._

 _ **It's all right. It's okay. I'm alright. I'll be okay.**_

The days come and go, and Piper is still the same. Yet a lot more broken, miserable, unhappy, wretched and all of the adjectives together, because the truth is:

Alex hasn't come back. _"And she never will"._ She thinks as she walks through a muddy lane that leads to a little lake by a hill, far outside the city. This used to be Piper and Alex's favorite place, and frankly, Piper doesn't know what she's doing here. Tonight she wanted to feel calm, no drugs, for once and just try to heal _properly._ And she ends up here, where she knows she'll fall apart to a thousand shards.

She just thinks of Alex, like she always does, reminding every part of her, having engraved on her memory every expression of her beautiful face, every tiny wrinkle, every scar, her perfect eyebrows, the bags under her eyes and her perfectly white teeth. And of course, her radiant, aglow green eyes. " _God. She's a goddess."_

She's disoriented and must be crazy, hell, she's sure she's got psychosis, she's hallucinating because right at the shore of the lake, a pair of quiet green eyes are staring at her.

* * *

 _A/N: The song is called 'Songs for teenagers' by Fake Problems if you feel like listening to it. (:_

 _Also, should I continue this? Because I think is good as a one-shot too. Thanks!_


	2. Ghosts

Chapter 2: Ghosts.

Alex Vause never thought that one person could shatter her whole world. She never imagined that the whole direction, purpose and sense of life all could cease to exist in one single second, but that's what she felt happened to her the moment she had to leave Piper Chapman.

She left her because that's what she thought was necessary.

 _Flashback 6 months ago._

 _Alex was drinking happily a beer with Nicky and Lorna at Nicky's, it felt like something necessary because their lives were hectic and they could barely see each other. They were talking animatedly about everything and anything, bantering and laughing, like any good friends would do, when things turned serious and Lorna asked Alex how she knew that Piper was the love of her life._

 _Alex pondered for a moment._

 _"It is something you just know. It's really weird because since I met her, I knew that something was different. That she's different, she was different. It's a sense of completion if that makes any sense, I don't know… there are certain things that you cannot quite put the finger on them but the feelings they give you are so intense and so strong and amazing that you can't possibly describe or comprehend it, it's like your own soul knew on its own". Alex finished with broken voice and teary eyes._

 _Lorna was on the edge of tears too, but because she was just corny and loved every depiction of love, and Nicky was just astonished, not because what Alex said, but because of her reaction._

 _"Vause… you okay there?" she asked gauging her reaction._

 _"To be honest… no. I'm not." She sighed._

 _"What happened? Is it Piper? You had a fight?" Lorna asked._

 _"More than that."_

 _"What the hell, I might as well tell you… perhaps you could help me" Alex said before breaking down._

 _ **I'm the one with the ghosts in my bed**_

 _ **But they only come alive at night**_

 _ **Stuck in my sheets, an accustomed coffin**_

 _ **I swear that I'll be fine**_

 _ **I'll be fine in the daylight**_

 _"She told me she was falling in love with a guy" Nicky swore and Lorna gasped, but Alex raised her hand to stop them from interrupting. "She was honest with me and told me that this guy was her friend and that she was developing feelings for him, that he liked being around him and that they have not done anything other than talk or hug or whatever 'just friends' do. But she said that I was the most important thing in her life and that, in spite of this situation… that would never change"._

 _"That's bullshit, Vause!" Nicky yelled._

 _"I know. That's what I told her. But she took her time to explain to me that a human being could be capable of falling in love with two at the same time… I don't get it, but she insists that she still knows that I'm the love of her life. She thinks it happened because she was afraid… scared of living all her life with me, because she's too young and all that bullshit, I guess she just wants to experiment, but she insists that she doesn't want me to go. And there's the problem… I'm actually considering on having an open relationship so she can experiment and still be with her."_

 _"No" Lorna said dead serious. "If you do that, you're condemned to always feel second, to not feel alright, you'll always want her all for you (as should be, at least for me) but you'll never have it"._

 _"Lorna's right, dude. You can't let blondie win over this! If you agree to that, she'll have you in her hands and she'll never value you for who you are. Shit, fuck her, man. You need to take care of you" Nicky was furious._

 _"I know… but the truth is that she told me that 6 months ago and I just accepted it. I went along with it and now it is killing me. She's been really honest with me and told me every time she's seen him and all but I feel like dying, I don't know if I can do it anymore" Alex sobbed and let Nicky hug her. She hated feeling vulnerable but she didn't care because they were her friends and she was half drunk._

 _"Vause… you must leave her. Really" Nicky muttered, while stroking her head._

 _"I'm scared. I think that if I leave… I'll never be able to be with her again, I'm afraid that she just won't care and move on happily with him or whatever, but the truth is that, for the past month, every time she tried to kiss me or hug me I just escape, and it is not because I don't want her to, well a part of me does, but it's just that I think, every time that she might be doing the same with him and my head feels like it is spinning because I love her but at the same time I kinda hate her"._

 _"Maybe she will, maybe she won't, dear, but you can't do this to yourself". Lorna said quietly._

 _"We'll help you, anything you need, we'll be here, and we won't leave you alone" Nicky said seriously._

 _Alex just continued crying her heart out and after what felt like hours she came to the conclusion that they were right. She needed to do this and it will hurt like hell but if she didn't she would die a little every day. So in her drunken state, she walked back home with both her friends who waited for her outside, she entered quietly and thank God or whoever, Piper was asleep. She packed her things and turned around to cast one last glance at the love of her life, and then just walked out._

 _Without a word, without a note, she just left. World destroyed to pieces, turned to gray._

 _ **If I change and I start to fade**_

 _ **And all the green in my eyes desaturate**_

 _ **It's my head, not my heart that's strayed**_

 _ **I'm sorry I keep pushing you away**_

Every day was on repeat, and Alex was sick of it all, so she made sure that every minute of her dull life was occupied by anything. She started exercising and reading a lot after a few attempts at drugs that proved to be everything but relaxing.

Even smoking weed was a horrible experience because it would always make her paranoid, she had bad trips every damn time she tried drugs with her best friend, who assured her that it was because she wouldn't try to enjoy it, that it was all in her mind but Alex got sick of not being able to find something to take away all the pain, so she started reading, writing, watching crappy TV shows (not romance, of course), and exercising. Hard.

At daytime she was coping pretty fine, she could almost forget everything about Piper, from her dimples and her striking blue eyes to her amazing body and long legs that drove her crazy. But the problem was at night.

At night, every demon she kept at bay would come out and haunt her mind and made sure she couldn't think anything at all. Just Piper, so every night Alex would cry and tell herself that she was being stupid, that Piper would probably be having the best time of her life, because ultimately, she didn't even try to contact her. Not a text, not a call, not a word.

 **You're the one at the foot of my bed trying to keep me alive at night**

 **Using words as a comforter, you said, "I don't wanna fight, I don't wanna fight"**

 **But they, they sink into my skin**

 **Pushing you out just to make their way in**

 **I've grown sick of this fight so frequent**

 **If you can't help it, then I'll push you away**

A part of her was sure that Piper was feeling as shitty as she did, but she couldn't be sure. She didn't doubt that Piper loved her because the blonde's eyes sparkled with emotion and sentiment when she looked at Alex but her mind was torn apart by the fact that maybe she could love the fucking guy the same way.

The last month she was with Piper, all they did was fight, day and night because Alex could not be honest with the blonde and never told her that she was hurting that much, that in spite of her trying to be 'understanding' she felt like nothing, like a second choice, like a fucking binky for her to suck on until she felt better and then go again with that motherfucker.

The night was falling slowly, sun setting in the distance and a few stars appearing in the vast sky, a truly beautiful sight but Alex couldn't have the aesthetic experience. Hadn't have a single one for the past six months, because she thought life had nothing beautiful to offer to her, her whole life was empty because Piper kept it. Kept her life guarded and hidden in a box. And she wasn't willing to do anything to get it back.

She was sitting on the shore of the lake –their lake. Feeling the water barefoot, trying to taunt the memories she had with the blonde in this particular place. Taint them with anger and chaos, so she could destroy every bit of her in order to push Piper out.

Alex heard rustling of leaves right on her left side, a few feet away from her and she stood still, trying to make out the silhouette of the person approaching the place.

"Fuck me" she thought, because of all the people in the world to be here at this precise moment, of course it had to be Piper.

She didn't try to leave or move, and even if she tried, her feet wouldn't move, it was like they had a mind of their own, so she just stared at the blonde and GOD she looked like shit.

 **Why can't you stay?**

 **I'm up against these things I can't see**

 **They don't compare**

 **Make me believe, make me believe**

Piper had that deer caught in the headlights look and was stupidly rubbing her eyes as if Alex wasn't there, and looked to the sky and back at Alex, as though trying to make her disappear.

"Hey, kid". Alex said, tiredly.

"A- Alex?" Piper whispered, incredulous.

"I think so" and she wasn't joking or lying, because she wasn't sure she was herself anymore.

"Out of all the people I thought I'd see…" Piper trailed off, unexpectedly walking with resolution directly to Alex and wrapped her arms around the brunette, so tightly that she was physically hurting her.

Alex didn't dare move a muscle, she didn't push Piper away, but didn't hug her back either. She wanted to ask her so many things, to yell at her, to hurt her and kiss her at the same time, to pull her into an embrace too or to insult her, but she did not speak or move. Hugging her was the love of her life and she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do.

 **I'm sorry I keep pushing**

 **Now you're up against the ghosts in my head, in my head.**


End file.
